“What is the most embarrassing thing your child has ever blurted out to others?”

BY DAN PEARCE (danoah.com) ·

CATEGORIES: BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOU, HUMOR, PARENTING, POPULAR POSTS

1. One time while in the fitting room, I overheard a little boy say, quite loudly, “Mommy, are you buying this new swimsuit because you poop-farted in your one last year?”
2. While out on a river in a boat with a bunch of friends, my 10-year-old announced she needs to go to the bathroom. I calmly tell her she’s gonna have to wait, to which she yells, “Mom, I have to poop! I’m crowning!”
3. “Mom, please don’t sell me on Craigslist! I’ll be good.”
4. During my divorce, while the kids and I were at Walmart buying groceries, I put a bottle of wine in my cart and my daughter yells, “Oh, look, Mom’s sad again.”
5. My daughter once yelled out “I LOVE VAGINA” as loud as possible in a Walmart. Too bad she was actually referring to LASAGNA – which is what we were having for dinner.
6. After getting new Toy Story undies, my son yelled to the drive-through workers at Chick-fil-A, “I’ve gotta woody in my pants!”
7. The priest stood up for the second time to speak at my grandson’s Christening yesterday and as he began to speak my 5 year old son yelled, “Oh no, not again”.
8. My son was feeling really badly about pooping his pants, so to make him feel better I told him that it happens to everyone, even mommy. The next day we walked in to daycare and told the lead teacher “Yesterday I pooped my pants, but mom said it was ok; it happens to her all the time.”
9. My eldest once said “Mom, did you know there are people who don’t want kids?!” I asked how he knew that to which he replied “THEY BUY CARS WITH ONLY TWO DOORS!”
10. When I was pregnant, I ended up having to take my three year old daughter to one of my OB appointments. My doctor had to do a vaginal exam to which my daughter replied loudly “Mommy, how come you show your ‘gina to EVERYONE!!??”
11. In church, right at the elevation of the Host, my then four year old yelled, “Mom, did you know a cat’s butt is called an ANUS?”
12. I was at a store when a toddler was asking her mother for something. The mother was very agitated at the toddler and the toddler blurted out “Mommy needs more wine!”
13. Playing with my daughter when she was six and singing Little Bunny Foo-Foo… After a minute she stopped and said “wow, that Bunny Foo-Foo is a real b****!”
14. I was volunteering in a third grade classroom reading the Weekly Readers with a group of students. The topic was The Great American Smoke Out when people are encouraged to quit smoking for a day. One little boy proclaimed his Mommy’s boyfriend smoked in the house… But only when Daddy was away on business.
15. “Mommy, that lady’s butt is even bigger than yours!!!”
16. My nine year old daughter said “Dad, Mom said I’m like you. I don’t have any common sense. Is that true?”
17. My son, then five, was on his first soccer team. The color of the team was blue. The coach and the team gather around to choose a name. “Any ideas?”, the coach asks. My son yells out “Blue balls!”
18. My, then two year old, being held by a woman who drew on her eyebrows, exclaimed “You have something on your face!” Followed by proudly wiping off one eyebrow, he said, “There I got it for ya!”
19. Walking through a department store lingerie department and my then 5 year old bellows, “Mama, why are you looking at panties? You don’t wear those!”
20. After biting his little sister, a friend of ours jokingly told our son, “sisters don’t taste good, but girlfriends do”. Much to my horror, he repeated it to his entire kindergarten class.
21. We were at church and they called the young children to the front to talk about tithing and stealing and they asked, “If you found some money lying on the ground, what would you do?” My then four year old daughter replied, “Finders keepers, losers weepers.”
22. While getting communion, I was holding my two year old daughter. After I received communion my daughter promptly said, “Where’s my damn cookie?”
23. “Mommy has a badonkadonk butt!”
24. “How come you don’t have any money? Are we POOR!?” at the Walmart checkout when I told her we didn’t have money for toys.
25. My son telling a random stranger with a dog , “You know what my dog does? He humps me.”
26. To a man with an eye patch, my four year old pointed and said: “Look mama, a pirate! Arrrrrrgh!!!”
27. We were entering a petting zoo and my young son announces loudly, “I can’t wait to see a camel toe!”
28. My three year old daughter, Tegan, was at the ENT. The Dr. told her that he was giving her nasal spray that mommy had to squirt up her nose every day. He told her it would help her sneezes and stop her snoring. Tegan leaned in and as serious as a judge says “Doctor, I guess you will need to give my Mommy some spray, too.”
29. During the Lord’s prayer my daughter clearly tells everyone, “Thy will be DUMB”.
30. “My mommy has a baby in her tummy and when it finds the hole, it’s going to come out!”
31. In Victoria’s Secret, my then 4 year old said, “Mom, Dad said this is too much to spend on dental floss.”
32. My 4-year-old daughter shouted out in a restaurant, “Look, mom! Those black people are eating lunch with those white people! And those black people are blacker than those black people!” Mortified, I whispered, “It is not nice to talk about people, especially so loud that they can hear you!” Then she whispered, “It’s just like Dr. King’s dream!” She had been learning about Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. in preschool.
33. My son informed my mother in law that my husband hid from her when he saw her at Whole Foods.
34. My son told his sitter that he is a Clownfish, Nana is a mermaid, and Mama is a beluga whale

Friend Bill Lavelle shared these with me this morning. I think he was hinting at my lack of editing and poor diction…but I want to share it with you to help you finish Friday with some fun and smile right into your weekend.

Did I read that sign right?

TOILET OUT OF ORDER.  PLEASE USE FLOOR  BELOW

In a Laundromat:  AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE  ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store: BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE
TAKEN

In an office: AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop: WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING – BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window: CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN’T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer’s field: THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE  FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet: IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS
On a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR – THE BELL DOESN’T WORK)

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Really?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers – Now that’s taking things a bit far!

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over – What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work after Death Good-for-nothin’, lazy so-and-so’s!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant –  See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace (I can see where it might have that effect!)

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile !

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (They may be on to something!)

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (you mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?)

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge -He probably IS the battery charge!

New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft – That’s what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (Do they taste like chicken?)

Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half – Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors – Boy, are they tall!

And the winner is…. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Did I read that right?

Enjoy your End Week

Kirk Out

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Read a good post this morning on phrases to avoid saying in the workplace – I have included a few of them with a link to the full list.  I readily agree with the majority of them and found many of the associated blog comments to be quite insightful as well.

In order to keep a positive affect on the workplace, Darlene Price, author of “Well said! Presentations and Conversations that get Results” points out 10 phrases to avoid.

I can’t do that  – Along with this, avoid “That’s impossible” or “That can’t be done.” This presents to your boss and coworkers that you are pessimistic,  not constructive and stubborn.

 You should have – This or the cousin phrases, “You could have…” or “You ought to have…” imply finger-pointing. Use “Please help me understand why…” instead.

That’s not my job –  If you are asked to do something by your boss. co-worker or customer, it is your job.   If feeling overwhelmed with tasks try saying “I’ll be glad to help you accomplish that. Given my current tasks of A…B… and C… which of these would you like to place on back-burner while I work on this assignment?”

This may be a dumb question, but… – get rid of this self-deprecating phrase along with, “I may be wrong, but…” Just say your comment.

I’ll try  – Trying implies it might not happen. Say “I’ll get it finished” to make it more positive.

…but…  The word “but” cancels anything that comes before it. Substitute “and” instead.

Example: “Our process is fast, easy and affordable, but we can’t install it until June.”

He’s a jerk  – judgmental statements about anyone such as “She’s lazy,” “They’re stupid,” or “This company stinks,” convey a negative attitude and can tank your career quickly.

http://www.deseretnews.com/top/1288/4/This-may-be-a-dumb-question-but-Phrases-that-should-be-banned-from-the-workplace-forever.html

If there was just one word I could eliminate it would be “unfortunately” which I seem to hear just as someone quickly steps behind the excuse of a policy that will prevent them from serving me or solving my issue.  As you read these…what phrases or words to eliminate come to your mind?

Kirk Out

Need to help out bummed-out friends, spouses, bosses, coworkers, neighbors, siblings, parents or plain old acquaintances? Columnist Leigh Newman weighs in.

1. Order Them The Thing They Love Without The Thing They Hate
They adore martinis but not the olive. They’re mad for olives but not the pimento. They long for flowers, but not baby’s breath. In all these cases, when you show up — or send over — the thing that they usually have to special order (or fix, by picking out the all-too-often-always-included unwanted additions), you’re effectively making what some people might call a little dream come true. (Other people, myself included, believe that there is no such thing as a little dream. Dreams are all one size — larger than life.)

2. Origami Them A Heart
Yes, it’s so easy as to be considered cheap, but it’s nonetheless effective. Also the fact that you spent three, 13 or 73 minutes folding and refolding such an object for them proves, even if the rest of the world blows, they still have somebody who’s willing to endure paper cuts to service someone else’s happiness.

3. Pre-Pay Their Ham-And-Cheese
Nobody wants to pay for lunch. This is why everybody plans to bring leftovers, but forgets to pack them and then silently yells at themselves as they hand over six or seven or eight or 10 (ow!) dollars for a sandwich that they could have made at home. On this day, however, you will have snuck into the corporate canteen, or the sandwich truck in the parking lot, and pre-paid for a ham-and-cheese, as well as shown the cashier a photo of your coworker who was dumped by his fiancée, so that when he approaches, castigating himself internally about how he can’t afford lunch since neither the wedding venue nor the caterer will refund his deposit, he can enjoy the delight of the cashier saying, “That’s taken care of, sir!” Variation: Slip the cashier two extra bucks and have her say, “That’s taken care of, you handsome, smart, sandwich-eating devil.”

4. Make Them A Coupon Book Of The Things Nobody Wants to Hear
We all have things we want to express that do not help us. Worse, while expressing them, we usually don’t want help from anybody else, either. We want to scream with rage without having anybody commiserate. We want to talk about how our parents’ divorce at 80 is all our fault and not have anybody dispute this with facts, figures or clearer memories. Further, we want to do all this without feeling guilty for boring and exhausting our listener (or for wasting our own time and energy because even we know that all the ranting and complaining does nothing to change the situation). So should your best friend have to declare bankruptcy on her birthday, make her a homemade coupon book that entitles her to redeem one shame-free whine fest, rage attack, long baroque episode of self-loathing as well as two or three “it’s not fair” wail-a-thons to you via the phone or in person. P.S.: Be sure to specify a timeframe on each coupon. P.P.S.: The timeframe is 20 minutes (max).

5. Buy Them Wisdom From A Hedgehog
Some very, very dark times there is only one phrase that can help: “Don’t give up.“ Perhaps you have already said this to the person in your life who is underwater. I have said it to many, many people. In fact, I have advocated for the use of a magnet that says it for me. But if you really want to drive the message home to cousin Doreen who got transferred to Dubai, five thousand miles away from her girlfriend, have a hedgehog say it — in a manner of speaking. Bonus: It only costs five bucks.

6. Get Them To The Jean Machine
Machines can’t fix the world. But they can make it more pleasant, despite the cat that ran away or the tax-audit letter that arrived. Which is why you must take your down-and-out friend directly to the Me-ality scanner at your local mall or department store and shove them inside. In 10 seconds, the device will scan their body and spit out the name of a jean that will fit perfectly. How bad can life be once too-tight, too-baggy and too-depressing denim has been banished from you life?

7. Dump Affection On Their Head
Make them a big bag of confetti using a hole punch and colored construction paper. On each dot, write a quality of theirs that you admire: Generosity. Humor. Very Straight Nose. Never Stinks. Smiles at Dogs. If you need to write longer comments such as Always Shares French Fries or Can Be Trusted With Secrets, you can just cut out bigger circles (trace a quarter) and mix them in with others. Pour confetti into pillow case. Show up at their house. Dump on their head. Wait for a minute, as they process what you are doing, which eventually will cycle from surprised… to annoyed… to grateful.

8. Call Them Up And Say, “I Have Nothing Important To Discuss, But I Just Wanted To Hear How You Are Doing.”
As with most things, it’s the simple but believable gestures of support that work every time — no fireworks, jelly beans or cartwheels needed.

Leigh Newman is the deputy editor of Oprah.com and the author of Still Points North: One Alaskan Childhood, One Grown up World, One Long Journey Home.